Descending Road - IT'S KILLING YOU by Dana W. Paxson

IT’S KILLING YOU

1560 4D

Nadienne lowers her face into the carpet like she wants to drown in the quench. I get up again and go look at the door. Essa gets credit; it’s a half-inch thick plate of steel, with craters and holes all through it so I can see the empty street outside. But it held. Except for Essa.

Maybe I’ll be able to cry again, like I did with her before, that only and final time. I don’t know. I kneel down by Nadienne and I say, “Why’d you come up here?”

She picks up her head and looks at me, and her eyes are bloated with crying and death. “To warn you. Rask showed just after we all left your mader‘s place.”

“Is Ma--?” I don’t want to ask this.

“She went upcity with Armana. I didn’t see which way.”

“Why didn’t you go with them?” This is when the pyro really digs in, grabs at me and says, I can get you out of this hole. I try to listen to Nadienne as her lips move for a moment without words.

Finally, “It’s you. I couldn’t—" She stops and turns her head away.

She came back for me. Why does that feel so bad? I just kneel there and wait as she looks at me again with those dead eyes. Is this love? None of this works in my head: Jackie B and Georg and Essa all dead, and here’s Nadienne back to me again. I just lower my head and shake it slowly.

The City blues come. They take statements, talk to each of us separately, ask us lots of detailed questions, record the whole scene, take Essa‘s body, and leave us standing in her bedroom where the firequench didn’t fall. Here the walls are pale blue with undulating dark-blue shimmers, and the ceiling dome is paler blue and white. Like what they call a sea. Essa‘s bed, covered with a thin sheet and blanket, is soft on the surface but hard when pressed. Like Essa was.

I sit down on its edge. “Nadienne, tell me what’s going on. We’re both gonna die anyway.”

She sits down next to me, not touching me. Her voice is flat. “Georg wasn’t at Warr‘s, the day I saw you. It was an informant. When I took Armana to Ogi‘s, that was to meet Georg and relay the data to the City. It turned out to be the proc for reversing stat.” Her voice is flat.

“So you and Georg worked for the blues?”

“Yeah, but Rask has my voicefile and she loads from the comm people, so I couldn’t call the City. Georg made the call to them. He was good to me.” Her shoulders start to shake. I just wait. “Shit. Oh, Tomas, it’s so bad. If you’d thought Georg was still alive, you’d have killed him. I wanted to stop the pyro. It’s killing us all. It’s killing you.”

“Yes.” So she lied, and then she came back for me. I want to blame Nadienne and hug her, beat her up and heal her, but I can’t say or do anything more, just stare down at the blue carpet in here. A thought creeps up to me and I kick it away, but it comes back. Then the pyro voice steps in front of it and says, Go away. It’s not Tomy’s fault. He’s my boy. I take good care of him. The pyro sounds like Ma.

Nadienne stares off through Essa‘s bedroom door at the mess outside. I reach out for that creeping thought, and it says to me, You did all this, Tomas. The day you grabbed your first bolt of pyro, you did this. What are you going to do now?

It takes a few long breaths, and then I know. I pat Nadienne‘s hand. “Deenie, I’m going to work.”

“What?” She sounds dull.

“I’m going to turn this around.” I find Essa‘s clipgun where I’d stashed it away from the blues, and dig around until I find her ammunition cask, and pull the long bandoliers out to wrap around me, under my bodysuit, for the street. “You took the first step, coming to find me. It’s my turn.”

She looks resigned like she doesn’t believe this any more than she believed the old lies I told her. Then she holds out a hand. “I’ll carry the rest of those.” I hand her the last three bandoliers, and she folds them into the carapiece she wears on her back. “Tomas, you’re crazy.”

Story List	SURPRISE ME	Author Page
USER SURVEY	PUZZLE ME	MAKE ELM MARK

HOVER Lucida Bright BARE	HOVER Lucida Bright FULL	HOVER Palatino Linotype BARE
HOVER Palatino Linotype FULL	HOVER Times New Roman BARE	HOVER Times New Roman FULL
PAD Arial BARE	PAD Arial FULL	PAD Lucida Bright BARE
PAD Lucida Bright FULL	PAD Times New Roman BARE	PAD Times New Roman FULL


	IT’S KILLING YOU 1560 4D Nadienne lowers her face into the carpet like she wants to drown in the quench. I get up again and go look at the door. Essa gets credit; it’s a half-inch thick plate of steel, with craters and holes all through it so I can see the empty street outside. But it held. Except for Essa. Maybe I’ll be able to cry again, like I did with her before, that only and final time. I don’t know. I kneel down by Nadienne and I say, “Why’d you come up here?” She picks up her head and looks at me, and her eyes are bloated with crying and death. “To warn you. Rask showed just after we all left your mader‘s place.” “Is Ma--?” I don’t want to ask this. “She went upcity with Armana. I didn’t see which way.” “Why didn’t you go with them?” This is when the pyro really digs in, grabs at me and says, I can get you out of this hole. I try to listen to Nadienne as her lips move for a moment without words. Finally, “It’s you. I couldn’t—" She stops and turns her head away. She came back for me. Why does that feel so bad? I just kneel there and wait as she looks at me again with those dead eyes. Is this love? None of this works in my head: Jackie B and Georg and Essa all dead, and here’s Nadienne back to me again. I just lower my head and shake it slowly. The City blues come. They take statements, talk to each of us separately, ask us lots of detailed questions, record the whole scene, take Essa‘s body, and leave us standing in her bedroom where the firequench didn’t fall. Here the walls are pale blue with undulating dark-blue shimmers, and the ceiling dome is paler blue and white. Like what they call a sea. Essa‘s bed, covered with a thin sheet and blanket, is soft on the surface but hard when pressed. Like Essa was. I sit down on its edge. “Nadienne, tell me what’s going on. We’re both gonna die anyway.” She sits down next to me, not touching me. Her voice is flat. “Georg wasn’t at Warr‘s, the day I saw you. It was an informant. When I took Armana to Ogi‘s, that was to meet Georg and relay the data to the City. It turned out to be the proc for reversing stat.” Her voice is flat. “So you and Georg worked for the blues?” “Yeah, but Rask has my voicefile and she loads from the comm people, so I couldn’t call the City. Georg made the call to them. He was good to me.” Her shoulders start to shake. I just wait. “Shit. Oh, Tomas, it’s so bad. If you’d thought Georg was still alive, you’d have killed him. I wanted to stop the pyro. It’s killing us all. It’s killing you.” “Yes.” So she lied, and then she came back for me. I want to blame Nadienne and hug her, beat her up and heal her, but I can’t say or do anything more, just stare down at the blue carpet in here. A thought creeps up to me and I kick it away, but it comes back. Then the pyro voice steps in front of it and says, Go away. It’s not Tomy’s fault. He’s my boy. I take good care of him. The pyro sounds like Ma. Nadienne stares off through Essa‘s bedroom door at the mess outside. I reach out for that creeping thought, and it says to me, You did all this, Tomas. The day you grabbed your first bolt of pyro, you did this. What are you going to do now? It takes a few long breaths, and then I know. I pat Nadienne‘s hand. “Deenie, I’m going to work.” “What?” She sounds dull. “I’m going to turn this around.” I find Essa‘s clipgun where I’d stashed it away from the blues, and dig around until I find her ammunition cask, and pull the long bandoliers out to wrap around me, under my bodysuit, for the street. “You took the first step, coming to find me. It’s my turn.” She looks resigned like she doesn’t believe this any more than she believed the old lies I told her. Then she holds out a hand. “I’ll carry the rest of those.” I hand her the last three bandoliers, and she folds them into the carapiece she wears on her back. “Tomas, you’re crazy.”